


wake up in slowtown

by Mongo00



Series: holding on (to life) [8]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Gen, POV First Person, POV Tyler, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-01
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2019-03-12 04:00:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13539273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mongo00/pseuds/Mongo00
Summary: I wonder how it would feel to just take a break from the world for a of couple days.





	wake up in slowtown

I wonder how it would feel to just take a break from the world for a of couple days. 

Honestly, I wonder this too often. 

Everyone tells me that I don’t want to go to a mental hospital, that living your life in the real world is the way to go. 

I get it, but I don’t. 

If I were admitted into a psych ward, I wouldn’t have to do anything. I wouldn’t be able to do anything. I would be allowed to do school work, or harm. 

Cutting started as some form of tension release, but now that I know how to control the deepness of the cuts, I’ve figured out how to get the ‘right’ amount of pain. That alone scares me. 

At first, I didn’t like cutting; I didn’t like the guilt I felt afterwards, but now that I know how to control it, cutting is like a reward for me. I look forward to cutting, and /that/ scares the crap out of me. 

I wish I could just step away from the world for a couple days. I wish everything would just slow down. I wish I could just have some time to breathe. 

A psych ward seems so intriguing. Not ideal, but intriguing. People would /finally/ take me seriously there; people would actually help me there. 

More importantly, I wouldn’t be able to commit or harm there. I want to, but I don’t. It’s more like my brain is getting stronger messages of harm while I want to stay alive. 

Blaming it on a voice does backfire though. People will tell me ‘the voice wants to harm, not you.’ Little do they know, I actually do want to harm; sometimes, I really do want to die. I want to feel the pain because it feels nice. It’s a release, and not many people will understand that. Sometimes, I want to see the red line, and the white scars that form after. 

I think about harm and death a lot more than I’d like to admit. My brain automatically takes in my surroundings and analyzes how and where I could commit suicide. At school, all I think about is going home to harm, or what my next chance to cut would be. Before I fall asleep, I brainstorm countless ways to take my life, and how effective they would each be.

The thoughts were always there, but I’m just more aware of them now. And no. Just because I think about it, doesn’t mean that I’m going to act. I’m not going to commit, and I’m not going to cut every second I get. I’m still on a one cut for the whole week streak that I’m really proud of. 

Yes. I cut once this week, and I’m proud of it. This fight is a hell of a lot harder than you could ever imagine. If I cut everytime I wanted to, I would be /covered/ in lines. 

One line may seem like a failure to others, but it’s a success for me. Of course, I’d love to get it down to zero, but that’s just not realistic right now. 

I wish the world would just stop for a second. I wish I could just get a break, and not have to worry about anything. 

I wish people would just give me a break. I wish that I didn’t have to go to school, do homework, get forced to hang out with the family, sleep, then repeat. I wish I had a day to do nothing. I wish I had time to do something that I want to do.

I want everything to just slow down. I want to /live/ life, not live life. I want to find happiness and meaning in life, not get dragged through it. 

People wonder why so many people suicide even when it’s pretty obvious. They just want everything to slow down. It doesn’t seem like that much to ask, but society just keeps going, the world keeps spinning.

You ditch one day of school, and you have a ton of make up work; you procrastinate work, and you have to pull an all nighter.

There’s no moment where we can truly slow down and breathe, and there desperately needs to be. 

I just want to wake up in slowtown.


End file.
